Reality Jokes

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Reality Jokes

Post by Ishraaq on Tue 06 Jan 2009, 3:35 pm

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
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If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
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42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
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As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
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He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
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If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
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Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
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When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
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If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
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Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
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The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
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If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
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Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
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There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
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An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
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Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
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Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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Well done is better than well said .
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Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
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Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
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Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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N J O Y

Ishraaq

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Misbah on Tue 06 Jan 2009, 6:54 pm

Well i saw this whole thing somewhere.....never mind heres othr one

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.



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LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.



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LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.



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LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



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LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.



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BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.



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LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



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LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!



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LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



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THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.



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LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



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Misbah

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Country Laws

Post by Sal on Tue 06 Jan 2009, 7:01 pm

* In some states, including California, Florida, Nevada, Alaska and Hawaii a motorist can be cited for driving too slowly. Link
* In counties having populations of not less than 56,500 nor more than 59,000, according to the 1970 or any subsequent federal decennial census, domino games shall be lawful in billiard rooms or other rooms in which billiard tables are located. Source: Alabama Criminal Code Section 34-6-12 Link
* A United States Federal law states one can be fine upto $1,000,000 for pertaking in the act of Genocide. Source: US Code TITLE 18 > PART I > CHAPTER 50A > § 1091 Link
* A United States federal law makes it illegal to issue a fake Weather Bureau forecast. Source: 18 U.S.C. § 2074) Link

Alabama
* State code allows only 5 minutes for one to vote. Source: Section 17-9-13 of Alabama Code Link

California
* In Los Angeles, It is not legal to bathe two babies at the same time in the same tub.
* In Riverside, Kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance.
* In Walnut, No person shall wear a mask or disguise on a public street without a permit from the sheriff. Source: 17-32 Mask or disguise--Wearing.
* In Walnut, It shall be unlawful for any person to fly, above an altitude of ten feet above the ground, or near any electrical conductive public utility wires or facilities, any kite or balloon which has a body or any parts, tail, string or ribbon Source: 17-1 Kite flying restricted

China
* According to a law in China, you must be intelligent to go to college. Guess the guy who wrote this did NOT go to college.

Colorado
* Colorado Water laws prohibit the use of rain barrels or any methods to catch rain for use. They claim the rain has already been legally allocated to the state and individual may not capture and use water to which he/she does not have a right. Link

Illinois
* A state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples.
* In Zion, It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.

Indiana
* In Indianapolis, No horse shall be driven or ridden on any street in the city at a speed in excess of ten (10) miles per hour. Source: Code 1975, § 29-5 Link

Iowa
* In Ottumwa, It is illegal for any man, within the corporate city limits, to wink at any female with whom he is "unacquainted."

Kansas
* In Topeka, Servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups.

Kentucky
* A female shall not appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state. section 1376m-1, 1376m-2 Repealed: January 1, 1975

Louisiana
* In New Orleans, Fire Code outlaws the cursing of firefighters while they are in the performance of thier duties. Source: Sec. 74-2 Link

Maryland
* In Baltimore, It is illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Minnesota
* Many municipalities in Minnesota (including Anoka County) still have a Vagrancy law on the books that makes it misdemeanor for a person, with ability to work, who is without lawful means of support, and does not seek employment, and is not under 18 years of age. Link

Mississippi
* A state law prohibits the seduction of a female over the age of eighteen by promised or pretended marriage. Source: § 97-29-55. Codes, 1892, § 1298;

Nebraska
* It is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing.

Nevada
* In Reno, It is unlawful for any person to carry on, conduct or maintain any marathon dancing or marathon walking Source: Code 1966, § 11.12.130

New Jersey
* In Bergen County, Blue laws still in effect. The only retail outlets permitted to be open on Sundays are grocery stores and liquor stores. Link

New York
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
* A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
* In Carmel, A man cannot be seen in public while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
* In Greene, During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
* In Ocean City, It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
* In Ocean City, It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
* In Staten Island, You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
* In Staten Island, It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

New York City
* You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
* Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
* It is illegal to have permit dancing in an establishment that sells food without a cabaret license. Link
* It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."
* Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

North Carolina
* It is illegal to hold more than two sessions of bingo per week, and those sessions may not exceed 5 hours each session. Source: § 14-309.8. Link

Ohio
* In Oxford, It is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face.
* In Youngstown, You may not run out of gas. Source: Youngstown City Ordinances, Section 331.44 Link

Tennessee
* It is unlawful for any person to import, possess, or cause to be imported into this state any type of live skunk, or to sell, barter, exchange or otherwise transfer any live skunk, except that the prohibitions of this section shall not apply to bona fide zoological parks and research institutions. Source: 70-4-208. Unlawful importation of skunks - Penalty.
* You must beleive in god to be elected into office. You also are not permitted into office if you were in contendant in a duel. Source: Tennessee Constitution - Article IX Link

West Virginia
* If any person arrived at the age of discretion profanely curse or swear or get drunk in public, he shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense Source: §61-8-15. Profane swearing and drunkenness; penalty.
* It is illegal to taunt someone for not accepting a challenge for a duel. Actual: If any person post another, or in writing or in print use any reproachful or contemptuous language to or concerning another, for not fighting a duel, or for not sending or accepting a challenge, he shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and, upon conviction, shall be confined in jail not more than six months, or fined not exceeding one hundred dollars. Source: §61-2-24. Taunting for nonparticipation in duel; penalty.
* State code deems it unlawful for any person to have in his possession or to display any red or black flag. Source: West Virginia Code 61-1-6 Link

Wisconsin
* The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer. Source: 97.18(4)
* In Sun Prairie, No rider of a bicycle shall remove both hands from the handlebars or practice any trick or fancy riding in any street in the city nor shall any bicycle rider carry or ride any other person so that two persons are on the bicycle at one time, unless a seat is provided for a second person. Source: Section 10.32.020 Manner of operation restricted.
* In Wauwatosa, No person shall spit... upon the floor or stairways of any public hall or building or upon the floor ...or upon any sidewalk abutting on any public street or alley of said city.

Sal

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Heights Of Jokes

Post by Sal on Tue 06 Jan 2009, 7:04 pm

Height of Honesty - A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.

Height of Confusion - Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

Height of revenge - A bastard roaming in a condom factory with a needle in his hand

Height of pain - A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.

Height of Foolishness - A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.

Height of Noise - Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.

Height of Itch - A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence - A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.

Height of Unemployment - Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.

Height of laziness:
1. A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
2. Adoption.

Height of Competition:
1.A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
2.A topless lady standing near mount everest.

Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology: Condom with zip.

Height of Penetration: A baby girl born pregnant.

Height of Darkness: A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.

Height of fashion: A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.

Height of patience: A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for banana to fall in the right place.

Height of coincidence: And the banana falling in

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:
Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:
The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
A person sending email to himself.

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.

Height of Heights: Tenzing shitting on top of the Everest to make it a littler taller than Hillary's.

Height of Fashion: Condom with pleats.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:15 am

Oregon Whale
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.

This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the average IQ of their employees.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:15 am

Performance Evaluations
Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Hope you guy's get this, if not tooooooooooo bad..."

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:15 am

Safety Announcement: Bear Warning
If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:16 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?
ARTHUR ANDERSON: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and enterprise wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
JOHNNY ROTTEN: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
JOHNNY CARSON: Because it heard there was a man over there laying bricks and it wanted to see for itself!
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:16 am

GREAT MARKETING SCREW-UPS
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced their "Mist Stick" curling iron into Germany, only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for a "Manure Stick."
When Gerber Started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porn mag.
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with was," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:16 am

Essay
This essay comes from an unknown writer, but apparently got the person accepted into a good school.
3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:16 am

Airplane Windshields
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:16 am

S.Africans take flamethrower aboard to fight crime
JOHANNESBURG, Dec 11 (Reuters) - Crime-obsessed South Africans have a new and potent weapon with which to deter potential criminals -- the in-car flamethrower.
Casting a man-high fireball with no damage to the paintwork, the aptly named Blaster has been fitted to 25 South African vehicles since its launch last month. At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a cheap and dramatic defence against would-be car hijackers. It has also yet to be deemed illegal.

South African courts sanction lethal action if they can be persuaded that someone acted in defence of his or her life -- not unheard-of in a country that suffered over 13,000 car hijackings last year.

The Blaster fires liquified gas from a bottle in the vehicle boot through two nozzles, positioned under the front doors, which is then ignited by an electric spark, with ferocious consequences.

Both sides fire simultaneously, regardless of whether the attack is coming from just one side of the vehicle -- or whether passersbys are on the other side.

"My personal feeling is that it would definitely blind a person -- he will never see again," said Charl Fourie, the Blaster's 33-year-old inventor.

But he dismissed fears that the flamethrower -- whose breadth and depth of blast can be adjusted to need and is supplied by gas cannisters in sizes from three to nine kgs (6.6 to 19.8 pounds) -- could ever be responsible for a death. "This is definitely non-lethal...A person won't just stand there and let you roast him," he said.

Fourie has filed an international patent application and anticipates thousands of orders, nationally and from abroad. "The demand is huge," he told Reuters Television. South Africa has an appalling reputation for violent crime and its first national survey, published on Thursday, found that 20 percent of households had experienced at least one incident in 1997.

Car hijacking is one of the crimes South Africans most fear, with criminals often using weapons and showing little or no hesitation to kill for a car.

Police Superintendent David Walkley of Johannesburg's crime intelligence unit was the Blaster's first customer and is satisfied it is all above board -- provided it is used corectly. "There is nothing that says this is illegal. It depends entirely on the circumstances and whether you can justify self-defence.

"Yes, there are certain risks in using it, but there are also risks in not having anything at all," he said.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Exxon Oil Spill
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Mental disturbance
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Terrorist Bomb
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Translation
Did you know about Altavista's translation service? You give it a URL, and it will display the page, translated from French, German, Italian, Portuguese, or Spanish, into English. You can also type in text and it will translate it to or from English.
http://babelfish.altavista.com/

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:17 am

Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:18 am

D.A.R.E. PROGRAM WARNING It is a sick world.
The police officer that works with the DARE program at my husband's elementary school passed this warning on to us and now I share it with you....
If you're ever driving after dark and see an on-coming car with no headlights turned on, DO NOT flash your lights at them! This is a common gang member "initiation game" that goes like this: the new gang member under initiation drives along with no headlights and the first car to flash their headlights at him is now his "target".

He is now required to turn around and chase that car and shoot at or into the car in order to complete his initiation requirements.

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:18 am

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
Watch out for a new trend that's occurring. Drug users are now taking their used needles and putting them into the coin return slots in public telephones. People are putting their fingers in to recover coins or just to check for change and are getting stuck by these needles, which are infected with hepatitis, HIV, and other diseases. This message is intended to make everyone aware of this danger. Parents be aware! Kids are naturally drawn to check for change. The change isn't worth it! This information came straight from phone company workers, through an EMT instructor, advising the paramedics to be aware of this new trend.

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:18 am

Yesterday a Fed Ex courrier came in off the road and told me
He went to deliver a pkg...he knocked on door....reply came "who is it?" He answered Fed Ex.
He waited 2 minutes no one came to the door....he knocked again....reply came "who is it?" He answer Fed EX!.....he waited another couple of minutes no one came to door. He figured I'll give it one more try....He knocked again...the same reply came "who is it?" He said LADY ITS FED EX....figuring maybe she was hard of hearing.....but no one came to the door......

On his way down the driveway a car pulled up and a lady stepped out and said "you have a package for me?" in the same voice as the person who said "who is it?"

He told her what happened when he knocked on her door.... she then showed him her "who is it" parrot Smile

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:19 am

Virus warning found in Compuserve's forums.

The Goodtimes Email Virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One's white, thin, and harmful to childern and the other carries your groceries.

Sal

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:19 am

One Christmas morning, a boy was riding his shiny new bicycle around. He was waiting at a stoplight when a police officer on horseback rode up next to him. The officer said "Hey kid, that's a nice looking bike. Did Santa bring that to you?" The boy proudly said, "He sure did!" The officer then said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike" and he proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicyle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off, he said "Hey officer...that's a nice looking horse you've got there, did Santa bring that for you." Humoring the boy, he replied, "He sure did." The boy replied, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top!"

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:19 am

This lady is cooking stew for her husband and 3 kids one night. She's grabbing this and that spice off the shelf above the stove when she knocks a box of BB's one of her sons had left into the stew. Not knowing how to get them out of the hot stew, she figures they will all sink to the bottom and no one will eat any. Later on, she serves dinner and everything appears ok. A couple hours later, her youngest boy comes running to her shouting, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy I pee'd a BB." "Are you alright? Do you need to go to the doctor?" she asks. "No Mommy, I'm ok. I just wanted to let you know." "Ok, well, let me know if anything else happens." she says, glad that nothing was wrong. Awhile later, her other young son comes running up, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I just pee'd a BB." "Are you ok?" "Ya, I'm fine mom I just wanted to let you know." "Ok, well run along then and let me know if anything else happens." That night, her teenage son comes up to her and says, "Mom, I've got something to tell you, but I don't know how to tell you. It's kind of embarrassing." She looks at him, "Let me guess, you pee'd a BB." "Well, no. I was jacking off and I shot the cat."

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Re: Reality Jokes

Post by Sal on Thu 08 Jan 2009, 6:19 am

Here's a cold war joke from a Romanian guy I work with.

There's this guy who works in a bicycle factory. One day he tells a friend of his ,"You know, I need a new bike and I was thinking, I should bring one piece home from work every day. Once I have all the pieces, I'll put it together." A couple weeks later, the two run into each other. The friend asks, "So, how's the bicycle coming?" "Not very good. I've put it together four times and I still get an AK47."

Reminds me of the "baby formula factory" out in the middle of the desert.

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